Searching For The Chosen Special Super Extra Online Store Of Cool Items

1. Holy Grail
Ever wanted the Holy Grail? Now it can be yours. 2000 years old, 24 carats of gold, filled with the blood of Jesus (cheap wine, actually). Special discount price of $270! Order now at ifellfortheonlinestore@nyahnyah.org. No refunds.
Special discount just for this occasion: If you order now, you will also be eligible for the body of Jesus! (a piece of bread)

2. Ring
Collect five and you can summon Captain Planet! $50 with box. $2 without box.

3. Gaia doll
Is it a meteorite? Is it a solar flare? No! It's Mother Earth with Earth Crust Displacement action! $49.99 in selected stores of Chozen'R'Us.

1. "The DNA-changing happy midnight meditation tape" - 30 minutes, $9.99
Hear Firstchild brush his teeth (clip lasting 7 seconds, repeated).
"Intriguing." - The Monthly Radiator

2. "Shave da Earth" audio tape - 10 minutes, $19.99
Listening to this tape enables you to fire yellow psi-balls with pink dots at invading aliens. Only works on Friday 13th, 1879.

3. "Voice of the dead" audio tape - 30 minutes, $9.99
A tape recorder put near a coffin, left turned on. With volume set to 5%.
"It encompasses the solemn desire for preservation with its metaphorical message." - A famous inuit audio tape critic

4. "Window onto the universe" video - 10 seconds, $24.99
LIVE video recording of Firstchild going to his room's window and opening it.
"Great artistic value." - The National Inquisitor